tainted love

O teach me what it meaneth,
Thy love beyond compare,
The love that reaches deeper
than depths of self despair!
Yes, teach me, till there gloweth in this cold heart of mine,
Some feeble, pale reflection of that pure love of Thine.

As I sung this stanza of “O teach me what it meaneth” at church today, I couldn’t contain my tears. No, I don’t cry for no reason. I’ve always maintained that men do not cry. Even if they did, their masculine pride would have restricted them from doing so for some time at least (unless they are the soft sort of course).

I realized the perfect love of God. How it is beyond compare. I sob at my inadequacy and indeed everyone else’s. It is so, so, difficult to love someone perfectly. My love for my God, family, friends and future wife etc. will always be a “feeble, pale reflection of that pure love of Thine”. I know I do love very much the people I care about. But to what extent?

Maybe it is that love requires mutual understanding on both parties (not necessarily boy-girl relations). Love requires a certain degree of compromise simply because no one is perfect. In the last few weeks, I’ve noticed quite a number of break ups and even a divorce and it saddens me. Human love is weak, but we need to understand where the other party comes from. A relationship cannot sustain itself, both man and woman, mother and child and so on, have to constantly fuel it with patience, devotion, love, thrill and endurance of hardships. Guys, being made different from ladies, are to take the lead and LEAD for goodness sake, not squabble like little boys.

While our love is selfish at times, God’s love is perfect. I recall this incident in the not too distant past, telling even my then girlfriend that I wasn’t free for dinner, and that I had work to do. But in reality I just needed to play computer games. Eventually, after 2 hours of gaming, I was so disturbed by the fact I lied and wasted 2 hours of darling-time for stupid games so I confessed to her. But she was like “I already knew, I was standing outside your room and I heard the noises, but I didn’t want to disturb you. You sacrificed a lot for me already, just this 2 hours will not kill me.” I was stunned. Literally. I just hugged her for a long, long time. I didn’t cry outside, but inside, trust me, I was torn. It means so much for someone else to understand your shortcomings. Even though we broke up after that, I will always remember that moment, her face with the watery eyes, and the abhorrence and hatred I felt for myself deep down inside.

From that day onwards, I have vowed that I will give my best to anyone I like deeply. There are times I fail, and I bear the consequences of my own actions. No one has to tell me its okay and we’ll get over everything, because I’ll do all I can in my power to do just that. If I already sacrifice a lot for my friends, what more for my girl and my family.

Its just that, you know, its never perfect. And that really irks me, because its always my intention to give her the best she wants (not needs).

*Just a passing thought to make me moody. :(
I’m out to meet T now for a little chat. She’s back from overseas… can’t wait. I miss that women! :)