He's just not that into you.

A witty show with a star-studded cast. Celine is supposed to reflect her thoughts on this show too, but I’ve taken ages to script this. Observe the effort it takes to write a post, so don’t ask me to keep updating. Here are 15 lessons I felt the show brought up, interspersed with personal opinions (because I know better).

1. You can never cheat and get away with it – you will end up losing both your wife and the pretty mistress

I suspect the ladies would probably rejoice at this with typical “serves you right, you bastard” panache. According to Scarlett Johansson’s character, marriage to one’s partner does not mean you have married the right one. Question is: Do you try to work things out or look for “the one”? I have a friend who divorced her fiancé after sending out the wedding invites. She married someone else and shocked all of us. Despite the tongue and finger wagging, I’m sure she was the subject of much envy from those suffering in their marriages. So do we stick by traditional morals and live unhappily ever after?

2. They say that there is no such thing as a “spark” – it is an excuse a guy makes up to tell a girl he’s not interested

Ironically, I have used this statement rather often (not withstanding it was roundabout Valentine’s Day) and found it somewhat true. But you see, sparks don’t exist inherently, you have to make them happen. You need to rub two stones together, create friction, communicate and interact. It takes two to tango, and I can only presume that if both cannot be bothered to create the spark, there will be no spark.

3. Love will find a way

Such a cliché but there’s a reason why such clichés exist. The boundaries between Hollywood love and real-live love are being blurred, thanks to all these movies. Hooray, now we all stand a chance.

4. Indifference will soon catch up with you

I see a lot of myself in here. I often cannot tell when I genuinely like someone or not, because of the psychoanalysis that’s going on concurrently. I have lost the basics of feelings and emotions to a theoretical, methodical approach. Instead, I pour scorn on those who love with all their hearts simply because the recoil impact tends to be tremendous. My bad.

5. Women are very much more affected than men

Jennifer Aniston in tears is a moving sight (not so Drew Barrymore and Scarlett Johansson I’m afraid). I would suppose there’s nothing new to learn about this statement. However, it’s good to remember that men are affected as well, they just don’t show it. A tearing Ben Affleck would reek of pathetic self-pity. Bad...

6. Men cannot say no to a woman – in this case Scarlett Johansson

Women refuse to admit it but if you’re decent looking and you chase after a man, he’s not going to say no unless he 1. Is gay, 2. Is indifferent or 3. Thinks you are drop-dead fugly. However, don’t be surprised if you are underappreciated. It’s best not to chase after men, rather, drop obvious hints and then let men do their own thing even though it may take a while.

7. It is smarter for guys to just keep quiet sometimes

Uh... If she asks you for a commitment and you say no, she’ll cry. If you say yes, you’d better mean it. If you say nothing at all, she’ll still cry, but at least your conscience is clear (and you’ve remained uncommitted – as per status quo). This is the only time where silence doesn’t give consent. Strange how we bend the rules huh? This leads me to the next rather obvious point.

8. If you really want to break up, you should just say “yes let’s do it” not “let’s try and work over this” without having the intention to do so

So obvious, yet so hard to put into practice. Because 1. She’s crying and pleading and it’s heart-wrenching 2. She still looks cute when she’s crying 3. You can be sure the next few weeks will be great – nice dinners, less arguments and mind-blowing err... interaction. You should also do it because it frees you and allows to look elsewhere rather than at a crying heap.

9. When a girl takes a “break” from the relationship, its bad news but when a guy takes a “break” from the relationship, it’s good news

Ladies don’t want to end a relationship until they’ve found another one, so they leave men dangling by that thread. Strange how men never realise they are a backup plan – perfectly executed by Scarlett Johansson in the show. Men do exactly the same thing. However, if he’s really quite serious about the whole thing, he’ll try to get through life without her, realise he can’t, then mysteriously reappear as a dishwasher. Alternatively, he’ll use his wife as a backup plan, take an extended break from his marriage, but this will lead to lesson number 1. Hmmm... I am admittedly undecided on this one.

10. Don’t pressure a guy to marry you, he’ll do it when he’s ready

Jennifer Aniston got it right – reverse psychology. I can’t say it’s foolproof but men are sadly a little bit more stupid. You just need to give them time. Women need to understand that commitment is a massive issue for men because 1. His market value would plummet 2. He can’t babewatch in the open like he used to 3. He can’t say he’s single with a clear conscience.

11. Marriage is not sacred in Hollywood – It should be in reality

You have to be retarded if you don’t already know this.

12. Girls are still attracted to the bad guys

I read a thesis on this topic written by a professor in America. He claims it is not the badness that attracts them but 1. They see a potential for change 2. They love a challenge 3. They want what they can’t have because he’s constantly comparing her to Jessica Alba and telling her she’s just not good enough. I tend to believe that women love the occasional cry preceding a heartbreak – gives them more ammunition to bitch about. In reality they are crying because they didn’t manage to change the man, and this batters their ego.

13. If he’s just not that into you, he’s really not that into you

And the signs will be crystal clear, because men are terrible at small talk. They will make polite conversation, be gentlemanly and even pay for the meal. However, their thoughts will be distracted and they will constantly scour the room for other women. If you really want to know how much a man is into you, observe his eye contact throughout the date. He will refrain from looking at an attractive woman to let you know how special he thinks you are. Here’s a big hint for the men on how to “appear interested”. Don’t say I don’t share my secrets.

14. A smooth talker isn’t so smooth when he really likes someone

How true this is! Displayed perfectly by Justin Long, who stumbles and mumbles his way into love. I’d like to think I’m pretty smooth with the ladies, but when it comes to someone I’m fond of, I just can’t string a sentence together! And yes, it frustrates the living hell out of me! However, I don’t know many women who have had this effect on me. Makes them so special isn’t? If only they knew... Life’s a bitch.

15. Internet dating works as a point of contact, but you need to make it happen

Drew Barrymore finds herself the victim of numerous cheating internet partners. Simply put, if something is more difficult to execute, the rewards are generally greater. Internet dating is easy peasy as shit, therefore you cannot expect much exclusivity. You should not fall into depression because she rejected your offer of a date through facebook/sms/email. You should however, if you asked her face to face, because that would mean you’re really not up to it. Living in a techno-savvy age only makes us hunger for more human interaction, so after facebook-stalking each other for 2 months, pick up the phone and let her hear your voice.