Sexual turn ons...

Assuming you’re male, and by that I mean heterosexual i.e. straight. What’s your sexual turn on?

I’m sure for some it would be boobs. There are lots of boob-guys around. Or are you an ass-guy? Or a legs-guy? I believe I’m a legs-guy. I admire nice, tan legs. I’m definitely not a boob-guy. Oh, I’m a hair-guy too. I love women with nice, long, wavy hair. I would sum up by concluding that I am a whole package-guy, meaning someone who looks (or tries at least) at a woman in her totality, in her richness of being, before drawing any conclusion.

Subconsciously, I also realised I’m a soccer-guy. I like girls who like what I like. This means I like girls who like soccer and also check out other girls. However, I’m led to believe that the latter is rather common (strangely, considering straight men don’t check out other men). This World Cup has got some of my lady friends fired up and ever ready for a verbal joust at whoever will listen to their rantings – much like me I’m afraid.

This avro saw me at Simply Toys at Far East Plaza. As usual I was browsing through my figures when lo and behold, there appeared before me 2 Japanese girls, also looking at the figures. I was pleasantly surprised (like I always am when a girl likes Corinthians) because they were both charming creatures. And since I don’t have a girlfriend and haven’t had one for a long time, I decided to talk to them. Mind you if I DID have a girlfriend, I wouldn’t do such a thing.

1. I couldn’t pick someone they liked. That would kill conversation. You need to disagree for a conversation to function. So I had to intentionally think of the ugliest, dumbest footballer around – David Beckham.

2. I should not appear extremely knowledgeable about these figures (even though I am), because that would mean I’m trying to show off and place myself above them.

3. I should appear to support Japan, because Japanese are fiercely loyal towards their team.

4. I should not attempt to speak Japanese, because they might roll their eyes at me.

5. Just as much as I would like to speak to them, I must still remain non-committal and flippant. Giving too much of oneself early on gives the game away.

And all these I thought of in a matter of 2 seconds, since one generally has to strike while the iron is hot. We don’t live in Japan you know?

Jon: Are you looking for Beckham figures?
Girls: No.
Jon: Oh… forgive me for saying this. I thought Japan is in love with Beckham.
Girls: (giggling) No, this World Cup he’s not playing very well.
Jon: Yeah of course. He’s not a very good player. Just good looking. Who are you looking for than?
Girls: Frank Lampard.
Jon: (thinks to himself: Lampard?? What the hell? He’s having an even worse World Cup than Beckham!!!)
(outwardly smiling) Ah yes… Lampard. He’s a good player. Can shoot from long range.
Girls: (nodding enthusiastically) Can you find a Lampard figure?
Jon: No. Not in this shop. You can in other shops though.
Girls: Oh where??
Jon: La Vanita at Peninsula Plaza.
Girls: Is it far away?
Jon: Yes. You have to take a bus there. Or an MRT.
(Note: These aren’t the exact words the girls said because they spoke in Japlish – Japanese English. In other words, shit English.)


Well, to cut the long story short, the three of us spent a nice afternoon looking for stupid Lampard figures. Oh, they also liked Gerrard, Henry and Del Piero. Altogether, we picked up nearly 20 different figures (all for very reasonable prices due to my haggling) which made them very happy indeed. I later discovered that these pretty girls are cousins and have been collectors for about 2 years. They’re here for holiday by themselves and fly off in a couple of day’s time. They offered to take me out for dinner but I refused because firstly, I gradually became angry I had wasted the afternoon away, secondly, it was difficult having to constantly decipher what they were chattering about in their high pitch voices and thirdly, I was going out for dinner anyway.

Nevertheless, it pleased me, in a very shallow way, to know that I could carry out a conversation with perfect strangers and endear myself to them. No wait, not just strangers. But Japanese strangers – to be more specific, hot Japanese girls who are quite the package deal.