Updates

I have not written for the past week or so. Work has been bombing me left right centre. It is impossible to get a decent night’s sleep, by this I mean 4 hours rest at a go. Sometimes I feel I have bitten more than I can chew. But it is my decision, and I live and die by it. I have experienced dizzying heights and all-time lows in the past week, which is remarkable considering 21 years on earth isn’t all that long a time.

1. Mik and I are officially going out. It is a somewhat tumultuous relationship however. Needless to say, I’m not entirely confident. I get the increasing feeling that I would never be able to commit to someone entirely. So long as there is pressure to deliver, or to promise, I wouldn’t go there. It’s not that I don’t keep promises, it’s just that I prefer to surprise. Hopefully, Mik will gradually understand that I’m much more complicated than I seem. That I have generally not expressed interest in anyone (her included) has a taken a great toll on me. I get the feeling that maybe behind every successful man, there is no woman. I have no physical need for women, nor does sexual desire tempt me. Honestly, I have more urge to touch than to screw. Intercourse involves commitment so no thanks. In all sincerity, I have told Mik that I’m just in this for companionship, at least till I return to Australia in Feb 2006 and she runs a great emotional risk by getting too carried away.

We had our differences in the past and I’m looking for much needed solace. It might not come. In fact, I anticipate a good amount of verbal sparring but also precious moments. It is these moments I hang on to. But, they might not come. My chronic lack of confidence in relationships is not due to self inadequacy, but that of a higher nature. I might never find out. But Mik, believe me, I love you more than you think. I appreciate the fact you bother to understand me. I am honoured. Deeply honoured. In the months to come, I guarantee you happiness. Commitment, no. At least, not yet.

2. Yesterday, I had my final submission. 3 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours. I am drunk with the blood of my labour. There is no honour in working hard, only honour in doing well. It is not how you run the race, but rather, how you finish. I understand that sometimes, one can work very hard with no results. But that I hate. I HATE. But that’s precisely what happened. I quote my tutor “I expected so much more from you. I thought you were very confident about pulling the design off. What happened? The boards don’t communicate.” BOOM! There goes my ego. Just because I have a bloody degree, I’m vilified. The expectations soar. I should just say I have PSLE qualifications in future. Maybe then, they will worship my prodigious ability.

3. I’ve lost my phone. There is no sadness, only a tinge of regret. Messages that mean much to me are lost. Some numbers I can’t remember (especially the Australian ones which are 11 digits long). In time to come, I will have to build up my contact list again. Maybe it is a good sign. A turning point. An indication of a fresh start. If I don’t ask for your number, be happy that it is etched in my memory. If I do ask, you’re from Australia.

4. Due to the various mutual contacts I have made because of Miko, my social circle has once again expanded. I find myself at the Japanese Association more than I would like to. The hedonistic, heady lifestyle is not for me. Japanese culture is warped. I prefer simplicity. Occasionally, I fall into temptation. On such occurrences, I don’t regret.

I met a fashion designer through Miko. Japanese too. Can’t speak Japanese too. She has her own fashion line, Ueno. Very unconventional designs. I’m not particular about a woman’s dressing, except that women like Mik “look good in whatever they wear”. So long as it’s decent and she takes care to look good, I’m not anal retentive. Ueno has asked me to design a line for Song & Kelly, since their designs have architectural inspirations. It would be on an honorary basis, though if the line sells, the rewards might be great. Tomorrow night, there is a closed door function. A fashion parade if you may. I have requested Mik’s presence. I’m tired of mingling with models. They’re mostly the same after a while. Stunningly beautiful yet frivolous and full of empty wantonness.

5. I have been rebuked by a “Christian brother” on his blog. Strange, I never read about Jesus admonishing anyone anonymously or behind that individual’s back. That’s where the term backstabbing comes from. But more about that later, I need time to rein in my wrath and whet my oral Excalibur.

Finally there are individuals I keep in special prayer. While I might not be able to go by foot to meet up with you, I will continue to do so on my knees.