10 formalities for a formal dinner

I have been entrusted the responsibility to look for a date for DHD for his upcoming commissioning ball. His conditions are simple:

1. The girl must come with a dress.
2. She should also come with a pair of shoes.
3. She must be HOT stuff.
4. She should be low maintenance (money is at a premium).
5. She should expect an invite from Jon Lai and not himself.
6. She probably should not expect to be limousined around.

If you are NOT interested, please let me know. I’ll personally take you out for dinner instead. Reply here and initial on the line below.


________________________________________(sign here)

Oh wait, on second thoughts, I might just get too many names. *rolls eyes*

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You know, DHD, it’s true that it ain’t all about the money. You aren’t exactly Mr. Money-in-the-bank. It’s probably also true that I have more balls than you regarding asking the fairer sex for some of their time. BUT the following should be taken note of for all men (yes including myself). Of course, you don’t have to adhere if don’t want to, but I’ll stand aside, arms akimbo and date the woman who brushed you aside. Simple… You chose the target, I hit the bulls eye.

1. The girl might have a dress. I remember the first time I dated Zhen (which was a proper Dinner & Dance), she had a dress. It was a peachy beige, frilly gown which she wore with a blue leather jacket. It was in the middle of winter you see (August 9th, National Day Ball). Absolutely classy. Call me lucky I didn’t have to buy her a dress. But then again, on many other occasions, (and some not even worth it mind you), I’ve had to buy women multiple accessories. Complain inside, smile on the outside. Make her happy. After all, you asked her out didn’t you?

2. Pay for her ticket. Comms ball equals no ticket. That’s already saving money. Then buy her a bloody dress/pair of shoes/all of the above for goodness sake.

3. HOT stuff is subjective. If I were to go for HOT stuff, then it would be Mischa Barton and no one else. Chances of that happening are 0.001% (I’m optimistic eh?). So, if you get a woman presentable, intelligent and who compliments your exterior, that’s good enough. If you’re doing a blindie, and you’re a shortie, make sure you check she ain’t taller than you. Do the requisite research. If you don’t, you end up looking shabby, not her. (Besides everyone will know you did a blindie, than too bad)

4. Invite her YOURSELF. It’s fine if a friend locates her for you. But then, you have to KNOW her first. Please take the initiative. Don’t call for the first time and say “Hi, I’m Jon’s friend. You may not know me but I want to ask you out for so and so a function.” Personally, I would never ask a girl out for a friend, simply because I’d snap her up first. Why should I do the hard work and not enjoy the fruit of my labour?

5. Don’t be last minute. Don’t wait till 2 hours before the event and then start calling random numbers in Singapore. Try to understand that women DO take 2 hours to do up their hair up anyway.

6. Once she has agreed, the game isn’t over. I’ll explain. Even if you have no intention of taking your relationship any further, you still have to be a gentleman. Why? Simply because she is sort of your responsibility for the night. Anything wrong happens, you’re dead meat. Also because of the friends/colleagues around you. If you give your woman the cold shoulder, they’d think you’re a bastard (if they don’t already think that). Then word gets around and before you know it, you’re ostracized. The world is a small place. Everyone is in some way and somehow connected to each other.

7. If you do happen to get someone you really like, it’s the time to impress. No need for proposals or a teddy bear with a fat, pink heart with “I LOVE YOU” emblazoned across. Worse still, a huge elmo balloon which covers both your faces. It smacks a comprehensive lack of class. If you must get something, a single rose stalk with a personalised message is enough. Get black roses, they’re less common. I recall giving Zhen nothing till after the ball, where we took a cab to my place and I gave her a bouquet of roses and bubbly, tastefully done of course. Oh, I sang her a song too. BUT if you do a blindie, you might scare the shit out of her by bringing her to your place. Wrong connotation.

8. During the event, be nice to her. Talk to her instead of yakking to your mates whom you’ll see on MSN later. Introduce her to your friends so she feels like she’s part of everything. Women can lose patience quickly. So if you want her to happy, you have to do your work well. Holding doors and refraining from farting/burping is quintessential. Also, don’t try to hold her hand or squeeze her behind. This is strictly for myself, though I do believe it should be followed. Let her feel comfortable with you first, THEN she will touch you. Use that as an indication but go slowwwww…

9. Bring her home after the event. You MUST do this. If it finishes late, it’s your job to make sure she gets home in one piece. If you’re in a 3-piece and she’s in a sparkling gown, please please take a cab back. She prettied herself for you so don’t embarrass her and yourself by taking the bus/MRT. If she’s feeling sick from alcohol etc and wants to go home early, don’t say “why are you so troublesome?” or “can’t you just wait a while? I want to see who wins the lucky draw”. Instead say “Are you alright? Anything I can do to make you feel better?” If she really wants to leave, don’t go “Shit, you stupid bitch, my night is wasted” or “$80 gone down the drain, DAMN!” Instead, smile and leave the place with her. Make it look like its no big deal. Leave quietly. Don’t broadcast “Eh, I have to leave, so and so NOT FEELING WELL”. Oh incidentally, on that night itself, Zhen wasn’t feeling up to it and I actually had to bring her home early. She was a bit tipsy and was tottering around in her heels. I did feel like I wasted my money, but I really didn’t want her to see her suffer anymore. Besides, we got more quality time together. :)

10. Finally, at the door. Don’t go all lovey-dovey, smoochy and stuff, we aren’t in the movies. Life is a lot longer than 2 hours. If you’re extremely sure you’re migrating to Zimbabwe the following hour and can hence bear no consequence whatsoever, than you can go kiss and grope her all over. Up to you.

So there you go. Please the woman in all you do and make her feel beautiful. So there you go, 10 guidelines for a man’s conduct at a formal dinner. From start to end. Not a guaranteed formula for success because all women are different. BUT you never know what might happen. It’s really your call though.

Oh, I might add, Zhen and I had our first kiss that night and a few months of bliss thereafter.